dv8dgrrl | Mar. 24th, 2004

Yes, I am home. No worse for the ware and a little stupified. 500+ people at calling hours by the time it was over. 200+ at the actual funeral and over 150 cars in the funeral procession. Sheesh. While we were driving out to the cemetery, there was another procession going the opposite direction. Poor people having to wait in traffic for all of that. Thankfully, Muncie traffic is nothing like it is here. I am really proud of my Dad for what he did on Mon. He got up in front of everyone and spoke the most eloquent words. Those of you who have heard me talk about my dad's side of the family know I think they are all pretty much hickish white trash. Thankfully, most of his fam that fall into that category stayed home for one reason or another. Love my family, but I can still call a spade a spade. I got to spend a little time with my g-pa. Probably the last time I will see him. His health is really failing and he is 84.

I really want a real vacation. I start at my other job this week, which means I am now working 6 days a week with only Sundays off. Speaking of Sundays, I missed practice this past week and seems I missed a lot of details about things are going to go forward. From what I have read in the notes, some things make sense, others really do not. But being the peon of the group and I think everyone else thinks I suck, I can't say much. It's really starting to bother me that I have such a complex about letting go. I can sing and sing very well. But I have this horrible mechanism in my head that switchs to terror when I know someone is listening to me all alone. One of the things I am going to do this week, probably tonight, is actually tape myself singing the different songs I really care about and initiate a strong response from me. Maybe in doing that, I can work on making my voice rise to it's potential. I just don't understand what I am holding back. Or why. I do that in everything. I hold back my emotions and my responses, my gut feelings. I don't allow myself the freedom to just let it go. Part of it is that I want someone to be there to respond to it. I have gotten so used to those around me just ignoring(emoting to a brick wall of sorts) or numbing me out that I have somewhat just shut down. I mean, why be passionate and forthcoming about something when there is no one around to listen or care? I struggle with that. I struggle with just doing it for myself. I am an incredibly passionate person. But if you have met me in the last 3-4 years or so, you would never know it. Fervor. I want my passion and my drive back. I want to reclaim it for myself. But most of all, I want someone around to share it with me. Doesn't have to lover or mate, just a human who has the ability to respond, to truly care about what is being presented to them.
Ok...sheesh. Sorry ya'll. Didn't mean to go off on a tangent. These things just sorta happen.